A Path to Healing
As a psychotherapist specializing in addiction and betrayal trauma, I have had the privilege of witnessing the immense challenges individuals face when dealing with relapses in sex addiction. Relapses can be disheartening for both the person struggling with addiction who often feels demoralized and shame as well as their betrayed partner who usually feels scared and in pain.
However, it is important to understand that relapses do not necessarily equate to failure or complete setbacks. In fact, they can serve as crucial building blocks in the healing process, provided the individual is honest about the relapse and takes proactive steps to address it.
Understanding the Common Underlying Causes of Relapses:
Relapses in sex addiction can occur due to various reasons, and it is essential to identify and address these underlying causes. Some common triggers include:
Resentment/anger
Lack of sharing one’s needs and wants
Stuffing feelings
Increased emotional intimacy
Emotional turmoil
Unresolved trauma, lack of healthy coping mechanisms
External cues such as explicit content or social media
Coasting on one’s recovery
By identifying these triggers, individuals can work towards developing healthier coping strategies and implementing effective relapse prevention techniques.
What to Do After a Relapse:
After a relapse, it is crucial for individuals struggling with sex addiction to focus on learning from the experience and utilizing it as an opportunity for growth. It’s a time for introspection and to push the gas pedal for recovery actions. Seeking support from a therapist or support group can be invaluable during this time, providing a safe space to process emotions, explore underlying issues, and develop new strategies for maintaining sobriety. Get it out into the light. Addiction festers in the darkness and in fear. Sharing with one’s support system as soon as possible moves one out of darkness and into support and care. Although it seems scary and shameful, it actually reduces shame. I often ask clients, “how would you react if one of your friends shared with you that you relapsed?”
A mentor of mine, Christine Samuels, would often say, “When I act out, I don’t feel. When I feel, I don’t act out.” This speaks to the connection between our feelings and actions. Acting out sexually or in anyway for that matter, is often a bypass to feeling; a way to disconnect. One of the first things I do with a client after they’ve relapsed is walk with them through the emotional landscape of where they were prior to the relapse. What were they feeling? What were they thinking about? This can often supply clues as to what was going on for them internally. This information is valuable for them so that it can be a place to have greater self awareness to prevent future relapses.
Often, clients aren’t able to immediately identify what they were feeling prior to the relapse. This is in part due to how their brain and nervous system have developed where they have learned to disconnect (deny) from uncomfortable feelings.
The Impact on the Betrayed Partner:
Relapses in sex addiction can be devastating for the betrayed partner, often triggering feelings of betrayal, anger, instability. It is vital for the individual struggling with addiction to understand the impact of their actions on their partner and take responsibility for the harm caused. Open and honest communication, rebuilding trust, and attending couples therapy can aid in the healing process for both individuals involved.
Using Relapses as Building Blocks for Healing:
While relapses can be discouraging, they can also serve as a turning point in the journey towards recovery and healing. If the individual struggling with addiction is honest about the relapse and takes the initiative to disclose the information instead of being discovered, it demonstrates a willingness to take responsibility and actively participate in the healing process. This transparency can serve as a foundation for rebuilding trust and fostering a stronger, more honest relationship.
Not a Complete Setback:
It is important to emphasize that relapses do not signify a complete setback or failure. Recovery from addiction is rarely a linear process; it involves ups and downs, victories and setbacks. Viewing a relapse as an opportunity for self-reflection, learning, and growth can help individuals maintain their motivation and continue progressing towards long-term recovery.
As I once heard, “If you’re driving from New York to California and your car breaks down in Arizona, it doesn’t mean that you’re back in New York.”
The work that has been done to this point is still valuable and will cumulatively help.
Conclusion:
Dealing with relapses in sex addiction and betrayal trauma is undeniably challenging, but it is important to approach these setbacks with compassion, understanding, and a commitment to growth. By identifying underlying causes, seeking support, and using relapses as building blocks for healing, individuals can navigate the path towards recovery, repair damaged relationships, and ultimately reclaim their lives. Despite how painful and scary they can be, remember, relapses are not the end of the journey but an opportunity for renewed determination and resilience.
Next week we will talk about some of the challenges for couples as they get close to their formal disclosure process.
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