The Long-term Impact of Ignoring Feelings in Childhood: A Psychotherapist’s Perspective
- Gary Katz
- 4 days ago
- 4 min read
As a psychotherapist at the Center for Intimacy Recovery, I regularly reflect on how our earliest experiences shape who we become as adults. When I encounter a client who doesn’t have a strong connection to their own feelings or doesn’t trust their “gut” I get curious as to why this has happened. Being connected to ourselves and having a gut instinct is a natural part of human
The Dismissal of Feelings
When children express emotions, ideally, they should receive validation and support. Instead, sometimes, they are met with dismissal. Phrases that minimize feelings can create a disconnect between a child's emotional experience and their understanding of those emotions. By saying things like "don't cry" or "it's not a big deal," or “don’t be sad,” caregivers inadvertently may teach children that their feelings are not only unimportant but also something to be ashamed of.
This can lead to a habit of emotional suppression, where children learn to ignore or hide their feelings rather than express them. As adults, these individuals often struggle with recognizing their emotions, leading to confusion and anxiety when faced with challenging situations. They may find themselves wondering why they feel unsettled but unable to pinpoint the source of their discomfort.
Trusting Instincts: A Lost Art
The issue of trusting one's instincts is profoundly intertwined with child development and emotional validation. In homes where feelings are dismissed, children may grow up questioning their intuition. This distrust in one’s emotional signals can lead to significant challenges in adulthood, particularly in relationships. When someone has learned to ignore their emotions, they may become incapable of identifying what they truly want or need, making it difficult to form healthy, intimate connections.
This impact is not exclusive to one gender. While boys may be taught to suppress emotions to embody ideals of strength and stoicism, girls might receive messages that their feelings are too much, reinforcing a different but equally damaging narrative. Both genders suffer as their authentic selves are overshadowed by societal expectations and family dynamics, leading to a myriad of emotional and relational difficulties.
The Role of Family Secrets
Another layer to this complex landscape is the presence of family secrets. Children often possess a keen sense of awareness when dynamics within a family are off-kilter, even if they cannot articulate what is wrong. When families keep secrets, children may sense tension or unspoken truths, leading to confusion and anxiety. The ironic twist here is that while these children are labeled as "anxious," their reactions are often appropriate responses to the emotional turmoil that surrounds them.
Being acutely aware of hidden dynamics places children in a perpetual state of alertness. Instead of learning to trust their emotional landscape, they become hyper-vigilant, constantly scanning for signs of what might be wrong. This not only generates anxiety but also strengthens the habit of dismissing their feelings as untrustworthy, creating a vicious cycle.
The Need for Balance
While it’s vital to recognize and validate children’s feelings, there is also a need for balance. As highlighted by Pia Mellody in her work "Facing Codependency," indulging every emotion a child expresses can lead to an overdeveloped sense of importance. If children grow accustomed to having their emotions constantly prioritized and validated, they may develop unrealistic expectations about emotional responsiveness in adulthood. This can result in difficulties relating to others and challenges in managing disappointments when their emotional needs are not met.
Finding the right balance is key. It’s essential to provide a safe space for children to express their feelings while also teaching them emotional responsibility and resilience. This means helping them understand that while their feelings are valid, they are also part of a broader context that requires consideration of others’ emotions and the realities of various situations. Teaching children emotional regulation skills can equip them for more fulfilling interactions and relationships in the future.
Navigating Recovery
For those who grew up in environments where their feelings were invalidated or overly indulged, the journey to emotional health and self-understanding can be complex but not insurmountable. Therapy provides a safe space to explore these feelings and reestablish a connection with one’s emotional self. Strategies may include:
Emotional Literacy: Learning to recognize and validate one’s own emotions as valid and important.
Mindfulness Practices: Techniques that encourage individuals to tune into their feelings without judgment, fostering a healthier relationship with their emotional states.
Communication Skills: Developing the ability to express feelings clearly and assertively, both in personal relationships and within oneself.
Setting Boundaries: Helping clients understand their emotions in relation to others while maintaining personal emotional health, ensuring they don't fall into the trap of codependency.
As a psychotherapist, I emphasize the importance of allowing emotions to be felt, processed, and expressed. Encouraging open conversations about feelings can transform the narrative that many carry into adulthood and lay the groundwork for healthier relationships—with oneself and others.
If you feel that you could benefit from working on becoming more intimately connected to your gut and yourself, please reach out to the Center for Intimacy Recovery and we would be happy to help!