Understanding Betrayal Trauma: The Impact of Childhood Experiences on Safety Awareness

As a therapist at the Center for Intimacy Recovery, I often witness the profound effects of childhood experiences on adult relationships and emotional health. One critical area of focus is the concept of betrayal trauma, a term popularized by psychologist Jennifer Freyd. This trauma manifests when children are subjected to betrayal during their formative years, particularly by caregivers who should have provided safety and protection. Understanding how these experiences shape our perceptions and instincts about safety is crucial to the healing process.

The Nature of Betrayal Trauma

Betrayal trauma occurs when a child is harmed whether actively or through neglect by someone they trust—typically a parent or caregiver. This violation of trust can affect how individuals perceive relationships and safety for the rest of their lives unless made aware of it and intentionally being mindful of it. In many cases, these children do not receive the emotional security and modeling necessary to develop healthy protective instincts. Instead, they learn to navigate a world where emotional or physical safety is not guaranteed, leading to challenges in feeling that when it is present in adult relationships. 

Safety Awareness: The Difference Between the Protected and the Unprotected

Children who grow up in environments where safety is prioritized and modeled, often develop what we can call internalized safety awareness. This internalized awareness allows them to navigate relationships and life situations with a sense of security. They learn to recognize potential dangers and trust their instincts to stay safe, leading to healthier interpersonal dynamics as they mature.

In stark contrast, those who experience betrayal trauma as a child, may lack these natural protective instincts. When safety is not modeled, they may become more trusting and vulnerable to repeated victimization. This vulnerability is not a personal failing but rather a direct consequence of their upbringing. Without a framework for understanding and sensing danger, individuals can find themselves in similar harmful situations throughout their lives.

The ongoing pattern of repeated victimization often stems from the absence of danger-sensing abilities that are typically developed through the secure attachment fostered in healthy childhood relationships. Adults who experienced betrayal trauma may struggle to identify red flags or navigate relationships safely, leading them to trust others more readily. This excessive trust can cause them to overlook potential threats, perpetuating a cycle of vulnerability and victimization.

The same is true when as an adult, one is betrayed by their partner who is not just a partner in their relationship but also a partner in the co-regulation of their nervous system that intimate relationships provide. The sense of not feeling safe in the world and not knowing what or who is dangerous grows after betrayal because the betrayed partner often feels disconnected from their own gut feelings after years of being shaped by dishonesty, mis-direction and gaslighting. 

Learning to Build Protective Instincts

For adults who have experienced betrayal trauma as a child or adult, the path toward recovery involves consciously developing a sense of safety and protective instincts. Here are some strategies that can facilitate this growth:

• Therapy and Support: Engaging with a therapist can help individuals unpack their experiences and understand how they affect current behaviors and relationships. Therapy provides a safe space to explore feelings of betrayal and learn to build healthy attachments.

• Mindfulness Practices: Grounding techniques and mindfulness exercises can enhance self-awareness, helping individuals tune in to their instincts and emotional responses. This practice can make recognizing unhealthy dynamics easier, fostering the development of protective instincts.

• Educating Oneself About Healthy Relationships: Understanding what constitutes a healthy relationship is essential. Education can provide the tools to identify unhealthy patterns, recognize red flags, and establish boundaries that promote emotional safety.

• Building a Supportive Network: Surrounding oneself with trusted friends and mentors who model healthy behaviors can bolster an individual’s understanding of safety and protection. These relationships can provide a contrasting experience to the betrayal encountered in childhood, helping to reshape perceptions of trust and vulnerability.

Betrayal trauma—from the experiences of childhood—shapes our sense of safety and ability to navigate relationships throughout life. Understanding these dynamics is essential for healing. As a therapist at the Center for Intimacy Recovery, I encourage individuals to recognize that their vulnerabilities are not personal failings but rather responses to their upbringing. By consciously learning to develop protective instincts and creating safe environments, healing and growth are not just possible—they are attainable. Let’s work together to foster safer, healthier relationships moving forward.

If you feel that your life has been impacted by betrayal trauma in your adult life or childhood, the Center for Intimacy Recovery can help you now. We specialize in the unique impact and pain of betrayal trauma with specially trained therapists and weekly groups.

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